Marry in my way, son
by CelcoLevi
Summary: When a single dad meets a single mother on the internet, they arrange to meet with their kids. Unfortunately, one of their kids is insecure about the brother. Contains permanent change and primitive drug use
1. Chapter 1 Change

It was the weekend; Cartman had just bought himself an entire pizza for himself. Mr Kitty walked up to him and meowed

"No, Mr Kitty! This is my pizza!" Cartman growled at him

Cartman sat down on the sofa, Mr Kitty meowed at him again

"No, Mr Kitty! That's a bad kitty!" Cartman scowled, Mr Kitty meowed again

"God damnit! Moooooom! Kitty's being a dick hole again!" Cartman yelled, no answer

"Meeeeeem!" Cartman yelled again, nothing

"God damn slut! Looks like I gotta do everything around here!" Cartman backstabbed

"Mr Kitty… Get the fuck out!" Cartman shouted, he then picked up Mr Kitty and threw him outside

"There…" Cartman relieved, before getting an interrupting phone call

"What now?" Cartman asked on the phone

"Hey uh, is this Mr Wall on the phone?" a teenage voice asked

"…no" Cartman asked confused

"Is Mrs Wall on the phone?" he asked

"No, there are no walls here" Cartman answered

"Then how does your roof stay up?" the voice asked and then chuckled

"Wha- Oh very funny! Are you Buck Rodger? That fat 6th grader who lives down the road again?" Cartman demanded

"No, we're from the future" the teenager answered, Cartman realized what he was dealing with

"Oh, you sneaky son of bitch!" Cartman whispered, before hanging up

Cartman laid sideways on the sofa and a knocking was heard on the door. Cartman decided to get it himself, but Cartman's mom immediately sprinted to the door

"About time!" Cartman complained. Cartman's mom as usual, did not care about what her son said to her

She opened the door, and a man wearing a dark green shirt and grey pants appeared, grabbing Cartman's attention

"Oh, hello!" Cartman's mom said

"Who the hell is this?" Cartman asked

"Eric, this is Shaun. Shaun, this is Eric!" she said

"Oh uh, hi Eric!" Shaun said

"What is he doing h-" Cartman was distracted by a small kindergartener who was there.

"Eric's a little verbal, but I'm sure you can understand what he's been through" Cartman's mom whispered to Shaun

"Mom! What is this man doing here and who is that kid?!" Cartman demanded

"Eric, this is myyyyyyy… boyfriend sort of. We met each other on the internet" Cartman's mom explained

Cartman was confused, but then realised what this would lead to. "Oh, hell no!" Cartman shouted, he ran to his room and shut the door.

"This can't be happening! I don't want a second father!" Cartman said, vicious memories of "201" with Cartman finding out who his father was and why he would never meet him.

Tears silently welled from his eyes, Cartman ran to his bed and covered his face with his pillow and began sulking. Cartman's mom knocked on the door with Shaun

"Sweetie?" she asked

"What?" Cartman said, removing his face from his pillow

"Eric, I'd like to talk to you for a second" Cartman's mom requested

Cartman sat straight up; his mom shut the door and put her hand on his back

"Eric, what's wrong?" she asked

Cartman sniffed "well, I just don't want to have a second part of a family, it just changes everything mom! Everything I ever knew is gone… to something else" Cartman explained

"I know change is hard for you Eric, but look on the bright side. At least now you have a father and all your friends can stop teasing you about it" Cartman's mom said, trying to cheer him up

"You really think so?" Cartman asked delightedly

"Yes, and if you're lucky, our income might increase so you won't have to be the second poorest kid in school anymore" Cartman's mom said mainly to cheer him up

"Oh really? Kewl!" Cartman said, being bright now

"Come on Eric, it's time have some tea" Cartman's mom said

At the Dinner table, Cartman and the kindergartener were sitting at one side of the table, Cartman's mom was sitting at the other side and Shaun sat at the head. Shaun had a dark green shirt, grey pants, and grey-brown hair.

"Eric, this is Clyde" Shaun said pointing at the kindergartener. Clyde had brown hair, a white button shirt and grey pants.

"…Hey Clyde" Cartman greeted Clyde

"…Hi, Eric" Clyde said nervously

"So, uh, what happened to your other side of the family? Cartman asked

"…Well …she died of breast cancer 2 years ago" Shaun said disheartened

"…oooh, that's a shame" Cartman apologized

"Oh, you poor thing!" Cartman's mom said

"Why don't we focus on biography, like… tell them what life was like before?" Clyde said, mispronouncing biography

Cartman dropped his fork in surprise to how nerdy Clyde could speak

"What a fag!" Cartman thought

"Well, I was born in Germany, I lived with my parents till I was about 19, had Clyde when I was 38" Shaun said

Cartman suddenly belched

"Eric, we do not eructate at the table!" Shaun yelled

"Well, I'm sorry. But this is my house, my mom lets me burp when I wanna and you're the ones who have to respect our property, not us" Cartman said

"Well, how about we let the boys have a day at school together tomorrow?" Cartman's mom suggested

"That's a great idea!" Shaun said

"Oh god" Cartman said


	2. Chapter 2 Ready clyde? Kick The Baby!

The next day, the boys except for Cartman, are at the bus stop including Ike. Cartman and Clyde walk up to the bus stop

"Hey guys, what's goin' on?" Cartman asked

"Oh hey Fatass" Kyle greeted unexpectedly

"Stop calling me fat, you dumbass Jew!" Cartman reposted

"You guys, stop!" Stan demanded

"Why the fuck do you guys fight anyway?" Kenny asked

"Yeah, something about Cartman saying shit about Hanukkah?" Stan said

"Aw, dude! All I said was that Hanukkah sucked like almost four years ago!" Cartman shouted

The boys began arguing, Clyde and Ike looked at each other

"Are you Cartman's little brother?" Ike asked

"…Yeah" Clyde said, Ike backed away

"I could kick a baby way harder than you! On first try!" Cartman shouted, concerning Clyde

"Ready Clyde?" Cartman asked

"Ready for what?" Clyde asked, frightened

Cartman suddenly kicked Clyde across the road, causing him to blast through a mail box stand

"Okay Ike, kick the baby!" Kyle said

"Do not... kick… the god damn BABY!" Ike commanded, Kyle as usual ignored him and kicked him into a mail box, only knocking it over

"HA! I kick harder than you!" Cartman taunted

"…Damnit! At least I don't take for ever to hit!" Kyle reflected

"Well, who wins? Strength or Speed?" Cartman asked

The bus pulled over, Clyde and Ike hurried back

"Guess you don't like your brother too, huh?" Ike asked

"...No" Clyde answered

The boys hopped into the bus and sat at the back. Clyde and Ike, sat down at the middle and looked out the windows

"So, where you from?" Ike asked

"Lakewood" Clyde said "What about you?"

"Canada" Ike said

"But neither of your parents are Canadian" Clyde said

"That's because I'm adopted" Ike said

The bus stopped at school, the boys all walked out


	3. Chapter 3 befriending the wrong person

School had just started, Ike and Clyde walked in to kindergarten class, Clyde was introduced

"Alright children, now we have a new kid in class today" the teacher said

"I saw him at the bus stop" Ike said

"Everyone, meet Clyde Docker, or Clyde Cartman" the teacher introduced Clyde

Clyde sat down between Ike and Filmore

"Clyde Cartman? Are you related to that fat 4th grader?" Filmore asked

"So what if I am?" Clyde asked

"My brother says that he did something bad to one kid" Ike whispered

"What did he do?" Clyde asked

"Something about cannibalism" Ike answered

"Okay, Clyde. Now my name is Mr Coke, understand?" Mr Coke said

"Yes, Mr Coke" Clyde answered

"Alright, now can anybody tell me how to spell Cannibalism?" Mr Coke said

Later, during lunch. Clyde, Ike, and Filmore received lunch.

After getting lunch, they sat down at the table where most of the kindergartener boys sat. Clyde was rather nervous

"So you're Clyde Cartman" Filmore asked

"Clyde Docker actually" Clyde corrected

"Hey, did you know your brother got your mom's ex-boyfriend sent away?" Ike said

"Really?" Clyde asked

"Yeah, really" Ike said

"How?" Clyde asked

"I don't know, you should ask him" Ike said

Cartman looked at Clyde talking to Ike

"Kyle, why is your douchebag brother talking to my little brother" Cartman questioned

"You have a brother?" Clyde Donovan was shocked

"I do now, he also happens to have the same name as you do, Clyde!" Cartman responded

Cartman turned around; Ike and Clyde were still talking. Cartman shoved his burger down his throat and dumped his rubbish in the bin, he turned to the kindergarteners

"So then she said: Ike, those windows are costing us a fortune, stop breaking them!" Ike said, doing an impression of his mother

"Aye, just what the hell do you think you're doing, Clyde?" Cartman shouted

"Nothing, me and Ike were just talking" Clyde answered, Cartman was disappointed

"They're probably gonna start ripping on each other" Cartman hoped "Veerry soon!" he squinted


	4. Chapter 4 Rocketship

As everyone ran out to play, Clyde and the other kids started playing with him as well.

"What should we play?" Filmore asked

"How about we play, duck-duck-goose?" Clyde suggested, the other kids had never played duck-duck-goose

"What's duck duck goose?" Quaid asked

"It's when you sit down in a circle, and one person has to walk around the circle and pats people's head while saying duck. If he says goose when he pats you on the head, you have to stand up and chase him until you catch him, if you do catch him, he has to do the same thing you do, if he sits down before you catch him, you have to do what you did before" Clyde explained. Everyone got in a circle and Clyde was it

"Duck, duck, duck, goose!" Clyde patted Ike; Ike got up and chased him. Ike tried lunging at him, but Cartman suddenly came along and picked Clyde up by the collar causing him to fall over

"Hey Clyde! Would you like to play Rocket ship?" He asked, trying to get Clyde away from Ike

"Rocket ship? Uh no!" Clyde responded

"Oh come on, it'll be fun! Ike's brother used to do it all the time!" Cartman said

"Oh, what's Rocket ship?" Clyde asked

"You'll find out in a minute!" Cartman carried him away

"Hey! We were playing with him first!" Ike ran up to him

"Fuck off, sex toy. I don't like you!" Cartman responded. Ike paused, feeling dejected

Cartman replaced the school flag with Clyde and reeled him upwards

"Whoa! Cool! I can see the whole world from here!" Clyde shouted

"Shut up Clyde! I'm not supposed to be doing this!" Cartman told him

Suddenly, the rope supporting Clyde snapped, Cartman fell back and Clyde was so shocked he forgot to scream… luckily the rope jammed right before he hit the ground


	5. Chapter 5 You're getting married?

It was after school, Cartman and Clyde were both walking home. Cartman was rather pissed off as he was uncomfortable with Clyde's friendship with a Jew

As they entered the house, Cartman was furious to find Kyle's Parents with Cartman's Parents

"What the fuck?!" he shouted

"Eric! Clyde! You're just in time!" Liane shouted

"Jesus, not so loud! I'm only 9!" Cartman responded

"Eric, you're 10" Liane corrected, Cartman considered

"…Wait! In time for what?" Cartman asked

"We've decided that we belong together, we're getting married!" Shaun explained

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"


	6. Chapter 6 Wait! I said Vacuum!

The same day, Ike had come over to play with Clyde. Unfortunately, Kyle had to come with him.

"I'm gonna show Ike my stuff!" Clyde said

"Alright. Clyde, just keep the door open please" Cartman said

"So I hear your parents are getting married" Kyle said

"And?" Cartman responded dully

"Well dude, congratulations" Kyle said smiling

"Are you acting smug? Cause if you are, I also heard you're really good at reading lips" Cartman responded

"What does that have to do with anything I just said?" Kyle asked, confused

"Well Kyle, I'm a say a word for you to translate, that's all" Cartman said

"Uh huh. Go ahead" Kyle said

Cartman moved his lips in a recognisable fashion  
"I'm telling!" Kyle said

"No wait, Kyle! I said Vacuum!" Cartman corrected

"Mrs Cartman!" Kyle shouted

"Oh, you are such a tattle-tale, Kyle!" Cartman berated

"Eric just said the F word to me!" Kyle complained

"Eric, be nice to your friend" Mrs Cartman said

"Friend?! Kyle's not my friend! I didn't even want him over!" Cartman corrected

"And why are you so worried about your brother and my brother becoming friends?" Kyle asked

"Cause' fuck you, that's why!" Cartman reposted, flipping him off and walking out of the room

Cartman walked angrily upstairs to go his bed, before putting his foot in the wrong place and tumbling all the way back

"Oh my god! Eric are you Okay?" Eric's father said from upstairs, Cartman said nothing


	7. Chapter 7 Just a blackout

Hells pass hospital 5.25, Cartman is in hospital

"Well Mr Docker and Miss Cartman, Eric is perfectly healthy, it was just a blackout"

"Oh, well that's good to hear" Mr Docker said in relief

Meanwhile, Cartman was in bed reading a T&P Comic with Butters holding his hand

"Butters, I'm not dying. You can let go of my hand now" Cartman said

"Oh, Sorry" Butters said

Cartman's parents walk in

"How are you feeling, sweetie?" his mother asked

"…Like crap" Cartman answered

Clyde walked up to him in a straight expression and gave him a piece of Chocolate, Cartman took the piece and pimp slapped him off the chair

"If that's all you got, I'm not excepting it!" Cartman said, gobbling down the chocolate piece

Ike bobbed his head in the room by the door

"Did it work?" Ike asked

"No" Clyde said

"Cartman's such a fatass!" Ike whispered to him, Clyde chuckled a little

"…Okay, I'm ready to go back home now" Cartman groaned, he got up and slid off his bed on to a wheelchair in an awkwardly slow motion

"Jeez, Can't wait until I actually become handicapped somehow" Cartman said, Butters is confused

"What do you mean Eric?" Butters asked

"A psychic psychiatrist told me that someday I'll become handicapped. I even wrote about it online, but stopped writing it because it was in script form, and the website I wrote it on doesn't really like script" Cartman said

"…the hell are you talking about?" Butters asked unexpectedly

"Just don't question it Butters, just leave it up to the viewers to figure it out" Cartman responded

"What viewers?" Butters was majorly confused and concerned "Eric, are you okay?"


	8. Chapter 8 in a wheelchair, for a while

South Park Colorado Wednesday. The boys except for and Cartman are at the bus stop, Cartman arrives in a wheelchair

"Dude! Dude, Are you handicapped?" Kyle asked in shock

"No, stupid rules say I have to be in a wheelchair for 48 hours after I've gotten out of hospital. I don't even know how long that is!" Cartman corrected

"It's literally two days Cartman" Kyle informed

"Dude, why did you go to hospital?" Kenny asked

"He tripped on the stairs yesterday and went unconscious" Kyle answered

"…Thank you, Kyle" Cartman said sarcastically "God, I wonder if I will fall down those stairs again" Cartman whispered to himself

The bus pulled over, the boys walked into the bus except for Cartman, who tried using his wheelchair to get up, but failed.

"Oh god damnit!" Cartman yelled


	9. Chapter 9 wheelchair

South Park elementary

The boys came down the hall, except for Cartman who rolled down the hall with his wheelchair, Butters greeted them

"Hey fellas, hey Eric, why are you in a wheelchair?" Butters asked

"I have to stay in this wheelchair until the end of the day" Cartman said, going upstairs to 4th grade

"Eric, do you want help getting up the stairs?" Butters offered

"No, they have stairs for wheelchairs" Cartman told him

Cartman wheeled himself up the ramp. Unfortunately, his chair lost balance, causing him to flip backwards again.


	10. Chapter 10 Happy time

Cartman residence Wednesday

Cartman was wheeling home, his stopwatch rang.

"Ooh! Getting off!" Cartman was joyed, he hopped off his wheelchair

Cartman went inside his house; he folded up his wheelchair and sat down to watch Terrance and Philip, Clyde came up to him

"Eric" Cartman stared at him in anger; he loathed him for existing to have him in a wheelchair

"What is it, fag?" Cartman asked

"Mom and Dad are making strange noises" Clyde said

"Strange noises?" Cartman walked upstairs and walked up to his parent's door and put his ear to it, they were indeed making strange noises

"Oooooooh…" Cartman felt weak, he turned to Clyde

"You see, Clyde. When a man and a woman really like each other, they have happy time. And it makes them do those disturbing noises. I can't have happy time, because it's illegal and you can't have happy time, because you're too young to understand. Actually, ask your friend about it, he had happy time with his teacher this very year" Cartman explained

Screaming was heard in their room and both went silent

"Yeah, they just finished happy time with a little… happy goo" Cartman added

Clyde walked away, confused. Cartman stuck his hand down his pants and pulled out a bottle of cough medicine "Well, here goes nothing" Cartman proceeded to chug the cough medicine and choked after finishing it

"Oh god! I really hope this does what those assholes say they do!" Cartman coughed

Author's note

_Also, to people who wonder why I changed the title, it's because I like to have one placeholder name before having the real name to come up with, I am also writing this because some have their private messaging disabled


	11. Chapter 11 Hendl

The family was having Hendl for dinner, a traditional German dish; Miss Cartman came in with the food with a short sleeve turquoise cardigan. She put down all the dishes and everyone started eating, Cartman took a bite out of his chicken and spat it out

"Dafuq is this?" Cartman asked "Oh, it's Hendl, honey. Whole grilled chicken marinated with Pepper and spice, it's traditional German food" Cartman's mother explained

"Oh come on! You know I hate pepper!" Cartman complained "Well I'm afraid it's marinated hon, so you're going to have to eat it as it is" Miss Cartman said

"God damnit!" Cartman reluctantly ate his Hendl

"Fair enough, I actually prefer to have my meals without pepper if that is an option" Mr Docker confessed, Miss Cartman laughed

"Dad…" Cartman mumbled

"Yes Eric?" His future father replied

"Can you read me a story?" Cartman asked, feeling awkward and babyish


	12. Chapter 12 What the hell- MMMMMMMMMPH!

7.50 PM

Cartman was in bed, dressed in his new cheesy poof pyjamas, Shaun had just read him "the candyman prince". All in favours, it was tomorrow for school and the next day would be wedding day

South Park Cartman's residence 8.00 am

Cartman had just gotten up, he was half asleep with messy hair and having trouble walking and seeing, causing him to fall down the stairs… again. Cartman walked up to the breakfast table and sat down, after having his breakfast, he walked outside to catch the bus

"Eric, don't forget your bag!" Mrs Cartman said, handing him his bag

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Ya whore" Cartman muttered, he walked off with Clyde to the bus stop.

"Well, look who it is… the fatass who can't be pleased that he is about to get another father" Kyle ridiculed. Cartman considered what he said and a bomb in his head was set to go, Cartman looked and Clyde and smiled, he calmly whispered something to Clyde.

"Hey uh, Kyle, I think I see a snow spider on your shoe" Cartman said, Confusing Kyle and making him look down

"Snow Spider? What the hell-." Cartman suddenly picked Clyde up by the feet and swung him at Kyle's face, knocking him over, giving him a bloody nose and making him moan in agony.

"Yeah, yeah, you don't like that very much, do you Kyle?" Cartman gloated, Kyle kept moaning, less severely now

"Jesus Christ!" Stan said "How hard did you hit him?"

Cartman was surprised that Kyle was still moaning from his nose. "Uh, well he shouldn't have played with my emotions like that" Cartman grumbled

**Dear Readers, I (might) slow down my chapter posting as I don't have much on each chapter. but don't worry, I won't take forever to post, plus I do chapters in scenes rather than segments. I don't have to worry about school anymore since it's the holiday, but the characters might not be written to enthusiastically since I am currently marathoning Family guy in order for an upcoming one**


	13. Chapter 13 he thinks they're gay

South Park Elementary, Cafeteria

"Aw dude, it was awesome!" Cartman said to the other boys

"You should've seen the look on Kyle's face when I hit him!"

"So you gave Kyle a blood nose?" Craig asked

"Aw dude, I haven't felt that good about revenge in years" Cartman laughed

Cartman went outside, he honestly felt that Kyle had got what he deserved and he didn't need to laugh anymore, he saw Clyde pushing Ike on a swing in his red shirt and black pants... I'm talking about Ike. Cartman felt ok having a little brother and that because of that he was able to do something that Kyle did to him almost 3 years before for no good reason. But he didn't like how close Clyde and Ike were, as he walked up to the two he thought of a way to keep them apart manually.

"Hey Clyde, did you know somebody's selling a lederhosen in the school hallway?" Cartman asked

"Really? I love lederhosen!" Clyde ran off, Cartman almost burst out laughing

"Stupid asshole!" Cartman whispered to himself, he put a straight face and looked at Ike

"Ike, get off that seat" Cartman commanded

"Why?" Ike asked, getting tense

"Just do it!" Cartman yelled

Ike did as he was ordered; Cartman picked him up by the collar as Ike expected

"Just letting you know Ike, I really really really hate your big brother Kyle and he really really really hates me. He doesn't like German people like Clyde and I don't Jewish people like you. Stay away from Clyde you dirty Jew, I don't want him near you, Understand?" Cartman threatened

"Yes… behind you" Ike warned

"What-" Kyle suddenly struck Cartman; Cartman dropped Ike, turned around, flipped over the swing Ike was on and hit the ground flat on his face.

"That's for breaking my nose this morning, fatass" Kyle took Ike away, Cartman dragged his face off the ground and realized what had happened

"…KYLE YOU JACKASS!" he shouted


	14. Chapter 14 A shocking discovery

Cartman felt like shit... again, Clyde had not proved himself quite yet. The wedding was tomorrow. Cartman walked into his house, his mother and future father were totally cuddled together. Reading a book.

"God, they're more romantic than gay people!" Cartman muttered under his breath, he walked up to them.

"Hey guys" he spoke.

"Oh hi, Eric!" his father replied happily

"So uh, what'ya doin?" Cartman asked, looking at the old book.

"Oh, we were reading the book of my ancestry" he answered, Cartman got on the back of the moved couch

"Oh really? Kewl, I wanna see one" Cartman carried

"Oh hey guys!" Kyle suddenly walked into the room, Cartman leaned back

"Oh hey Kyle" Cartman said in a cold voice

"Nice weather we're having"

"Well actually, it's about to snow" Kyle said, standing with Cartman looking at the book.

"Get away from me, you stinking Jew!" Cartman thought

"And here we have- oh never mind!" Shaun skipped a page to look at 16 year old Marlin Docker, in the year 1971. Kyle was curious about what was on the skipped page

"Hey, what's on the last page?" he asked

"Uh, nothing" Shaun responded, Cartman tore the book out of his hands, Cartman and Kyle looked at the last page and saw both in joy and horror. Richard Docker, who was born in 1915 and died in 1991, had been a member of the national communist party in 1942.

"What the fuck?!" Kyle exclaimed, but before he could tell Cartman's mom, Cartman kicked him in the nuts and kicked him in the face to knock him out, having making no noise during it.

"Here take it!" Cartman gave the book to Shaun and dragged Kyle outside. He suddenly realized that Kyle was here for a reason, to look after Ike.

"Uh, Mr Docker! Where's Ike broflovski?" he asked, getting a glass of apple juice

"Well, he's upstairs with Clyde taking a bath" Shaun told him, Cartman froze, then dropped his glass and shattering it and raced upstairs.

"FAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHK!" Cartman shouted

"Hey Clyde, watch this!" Ike told Clyde, he farted, both laughed. Clyde farted back, both laughed again. Cartman suddenly and unliterally burst through the door.

"Uh-oh!" Ike knew what was going to happen; Cartman quickly pulled Ike out of the tub. "Stay away from him you dirty Jew!" Cartman yelled, Ike hurriedly put his clothes back on. "What kind of sick, weird parents put their kids in the same bathtub?!" Cartman questioned


	15. Chapter 15 Bathtub discussion

South Park Colorado Friday

The alarm clock rang, Cartman halted it. He walked downstairs and poured himself a bowl of cheerios; he walked into the lounge and put on some cartoons, forgetting that Family Guy aired on Friday mornings for some reason. The remote stopped working

"What? No! No, I don't wanna watch Family Guy!" Cartman threw the remote away and decided to bear it.

"We have to warn Quagmire Lois!" Peter Griffin had said

"To the Petemobile!" Peter ran outside into a Batmobile styled car with his face on it, he backed it up extremely fast into the neighbour house and burst the front of it open. A black man in a tub appeared, it was Cleveland

"No no no no no noo!" he fell out of his tub

"Sorry Cleveland!" Peter apologized

The remote started working again, Cartman turned it off.

There were many reasons why Cartman hated Family Guy, mainly because of its cheap cutaways. But second from that was its unrealistic motion

Cartman walked to the bus stop with his "friends"

"So uh, I heard Clyde and Ike were put in the same bathtub last night" Kyle said, trying to start a conversation

"Yeah" Cartman answered "It's gross"

"So, how would you feel to be in the same tub as a girl?" Kyle asked

"Dude, that'd be even worse!" Cartman exclaimed

"Dude that'd be fucking sweet!" Kenny mumbled

"Oh that's cause you're just gross like all the other poor people in this country, Kenny!" Cartman responded, Kenny rolled his eyes and ignored

"What about you Stan? Would you consider being in the same tub as a girl, like… your girlfriend for example?" Cartman asked

"…Dude, I dunno. I think I might actually like that" Stan answered, much to Cartman's disbelief

"What, why?!" Cartman asked

"Because, I had this weird dream about it last night" Stan answered

"Seriously?" Cartman furthered

"Well, yeah. And when I woke up, I had this weird grey stuff come out. My dad calls it Cum" Stan answered

"Huh, isn't it that white shit butters had like, two months ago?" Cartman asked

"Uh yeah, he told me. Oh look, our bus is here!" Stan exclaimed as the school bus pulled over


	16. Chapter 16 Hint Hint?

The bus arrived at South Park Elementary, the kids stepped out of the bus.

"Hey Clyde, do you have two bucks?" Cartman asked

"No" Clyde replied

The boys were in the cafeteria, Cartman was sitting beside Butters with a tray stacked with burgers, eating them faster than a fucking pig. the other boys were shocked

"Jesus Christ, Eric! With a mouth like that you'd be able to win that burger eating contest in a jiffy!" Butters exclaimed

"What Burger eating Contest?" Cartman asked

"Well there's one in Nebraska, but I don't think you'd make it there since you have the wedding not long before that" Butters explained

Cartman sighed "Butters, do you think me having a father would be "beneficial?"" Cartman quoted

"Yeah, maybe that way you wouldn't be such a fatass all the time" Kyle insulted

"AYE! I'm not fat… I'm overweight!" Cartman reposted

"Fat, overweight, what's the difference?" Kyle asked

"I'll give you the goddamn difference!" Cartman shouted angrily "the difference is, is that one word is more offensive than the other!" Cartman finished

"Dude I don't see what's so offensive about it" Stan carried on

"Riiiight. And I don't see why "wimp" is more offensive than "soft"" Cartman shot back

"Buuuuurn!" Butters joined in and pointed "He got you, Stan!"

Stan pouted

"Look, what I meant is that having a father is gonna make you "not fat"" Kyle quoted, Cartman swallowed his last burger

"Thank you Kyle for being so nice about it" Cartman said in a sweet tone, leaving the table

"God I hate him!" Kyle whispered to Stan

"Dude what happened to you? You look like someone hit you in the face with a baseball shovel" Stan bleated

"Baseball shovel? No! Cartman's just gotten really good at hitting me by surprise!" Kyle answered

"Maybe he's on his Period" Butters suggested, the boys looked at him with irritation

"Butters, only girls get Periods" Stan corrected

"No no no, this one does! Every Month, Eric has to stick these "fire catchers" up his ass so that flames don't shoot out of it when he farts!" Butters explained

"What's a Fire Catcher?" Clyde Donovan asked

"It's these itty bitty metal nets that causes fire to stick to it" Butters explained further

"Wait; are those Periods referring to the time when he farted fire in class?" Kyle asked

"Well I guess so, he does have to go to this one spot in forest where he bends over and lets an 80-foot satellite dish out of come out of his ass for a minute" Butters added

"Yep, definitely the anal probe" Stan whispered to Kyle, Kyle clicked his fingers

"Yes, that'll give us something to prank with" Kyle responded quietly


	17. Chapter 17 It's called a Handicar

Clyde and Cartman were walking home, hand in hand… what? Ew! what is wrong with you? No you! Not you! That guy in the dark out there. Anyway, Cartman and his future step-brother were walking home holding hands because that's what brothers do, Cartman opened the door. Still nothing to prove that Clyde would be good for him and the wedding was the very day, or today. Cartman walked in, his mother walked up to him.

"Eric, could you do mommy a favour and pick up this ring?" She said, giving Cartman a hold-card. Cartman looked at the card for a sec and Stared at his mother.

"…what the fuck am I supposed to do with this?" Cartman blared in confusion

"Oh, Eric, Mommy's been a little busy" Ms Cartman informed, pissing Cartman off even more

"Busy? For the last two days I have been doing everything in this house!" Cartman shouted

"Eric, I've made you trip to the jewellery store easier by ordering a transit, I think is the right word" Ms Cartman said

"Come on Eric! If we do this, we could get rewarded!" Clyde said cheerfully, Cartman took his advice.

The boys went outside to take a "transit," a man in a wheelchair rolled into view

"Timmyyyy!" he exclaimed, Cartman and Clyde got on the "transit"

"It's called a handicar you dumb bitch!" Cartman called out to his mother

"To the Jew-Jewellery Store please" Cartman commanded, the handicar wheeled off into the distance

The Handicar rolled into town to the Jew-Jewellery Store, Cartman and Clyde walked into the store. A young boy in a death cloak was standing at the desk

"This for my mom, she's making me do all the chores round' here" Cartman lied halfly. "That'll $2,000 please"

"$2,000? I could buy all the simulators in the world for that!" Cartman exclaimed

"Actually, $2,000 is the cheapest you can get for a diamond ring" Clyde corrected

"Shut up, Clyde! Nobody cares what you say!" Cartman reposted

The boys handed over the ring and Cartman handed over the money, Cartman and Clyde walked off to the street. A van suddenly came by and picked them up, a few minutes later… they ended up in a completely different place, it was day and the temperature was hot.

"Goooood Daamniiiiiiit!" Cartman shouted


	18. Chapter 18 you are such a fucking nerd!

Clyde and Cartman panicked

"Now now now, there's nothing to worry about!" Cartman exclaimed

"We'll just call mom and tell her that we got pulled into a car and put in the middle of nowhere for no reason!" Cartman pulled out his phone and held it into the air, no signal.

"Damnit!" Cartman yelled

"Wait, Eric!" Clyde exclaimed

"What?" Cartman asked

"Do you have that Timmy App?" Clyde suggested

"…What, you mean that Handicar thing?" Cartman asked, dumbfounded

"Yeah!" Clyde answered

"…Yyeah" Cartman answered back

"We can use it to call a Handicar and get back home!" Clyde said, answering the obvious

"Dude, you are gonna be a douche when you grow up" Cartman fired

A low sound started, it was a dial tone. Cartman looked down at his phone and saw a battery with an X in it, indicating that it had a flat battery

"Right when we needed you the most, you fuck us!" Cartman scowled at his phone

"…Why do you use a dial tone as a battery flat sign?" Clyde asked

"Okay, first of all… you are a fucking nerd, second of all… a dial tone is a bad thing, and so is a battery flat" Cartman answered

"Wait, my daddy gave me GPS so I can know where I am when I get lost" Clyde pulled a phone like screen from his pocket, Cartman felt shamed and grumbled.

"Come on, this way to the nearest shelter" Clyde said, walking to his right.

"Clyde… I don't wanna see you grow up"

Author's note:

Now I know this Chapter wasn't very long at all and I know you all must be pretty bummed about this Chapter, I will do another chapter tomorrow if I remember, I've been marathoning the Simpsons, which will take forever to finish as it is 26 seasons long. But hopefully I can please you with the end.


	19. Chapter 19 Homeless resort

Cartman and Clyde walked tiredly down the side of the road; they were ages away from home, no food, and no energy.

"Maybe we can hitchhike" Clyde suggested putting his thumb up, Cartman pinched his nose

"Clyde, do you know how dangerous hitchhiking is?" Cartman asked

"No" Clyde responded, Cartman pushed his thumb down

"Very very dangerous, especially for little boys like us who are prime prey for pedophiles" Cartman said

"Oh" Clyde said, looking in the other direction, Cartman followed his eyes and saw a sign with crossed out thumb on it

"Oh, Never mind" Cartman said.

They had walked on until dawn; and they had reached a small homeless motel

"Oh god, I hate these places" Cartman said, both he and Clyde and walked in

The door slammed open, every homeless person looked at them

"Fuck you! Fuck yooouuu! Fuck youuu!" Cartman shouted, embarrassing the crap out of Clyde

"Okay, so, I'm one of you guys now, uh I come from Colorado, uh I went to get a wedding ring but I got knocked unconscious and got dropped off in… Nebraska for no reason. But uuuuh yeah, didn't mean what I said before; you guys know I was just joking right guys?" Cartman laughs nervously "This is my little brother Clyde; he's a smart fella and a douche. Uh, I'm very territorial, so yeah, that's about it" Cartman finished, Clyde glared at him

"Eric, I am so embarrassed right now!" he whispered, the homeless people carried on doing what they were doing.

"Hey, does anyone know where I can get a comfortable room?" Cartman asked

"Sorry, the all of them are taken except for one." One of the homeless people replied

"Which one?" Cartman asked

"The crap one out the back" he continued, the homeless person lead them to their resting unit… it was a decorated blue dumpster.

"Aw come on! Is there no other one?" Cartman pleaded

"Sorry, but the Car is taken by those guys" the hobo said, pointing out to homeless sleeping **outside** the car

"What the fuck! They're not even in the car!" Cartman complained

"Now now, you just get in bed" Homeless person said, opening the trash box for them

Cartman climbed in first, and then helped Clyde get in as well

"…Goodnight Clyde" Cartman said as he got comfortable


	20. Chapter 20 I'm a whore!

Meanwhile at the Cartman residence, a police car is there.

"Oh, I'm a terrible mother!" Ms Cartman cried

"There, there, there, if it makes you feel any better, you're not the first woman to have her child go out onto the streets like that" Officer Yates assured

"But it's not just that, for the past 7 years, I've been worshiping my child" Ms Cartman confessed, Officer Yates is confused

"…And?" he asked

"I mean, the reason he's fat is because of me!" Ms Cartman finished

"I see, so you're saying your son is fat because you spoil him?" Yates questioned

"Yes!" Ms Cartman cried out

"Alright, Alright. So uh, what's he look like again? Nobody actually wrote anything down" Mr Yates said, Ms Cartman wiped away her tears

"Brown trousers, red jacket, light red hair and a blue and yellow cap" Ms Cartman described

"Aand his brother?" Mr Yates asked

"Uh, Brown trousers, white coat, brown hair and he's aged 4" Shaun answered for her

"Alright, their voices?" Mr Yates continued on

"Eric has a bit of a rough voice" Ms Cartman answered

"Clyde has a pretty normal voice, just a small lisp" Shaun answered

"Alright, well I think that's everything. We'll begin the search tomorrow" Mr Yates assured

"Why can't you do it now?" Shaun asked, Mr Yates pinched his nose

"Oh, because we're looking for a criminal!" Mr Yates lied, also curious why he couldn't start the search now

"You guys get some sleep, the South Park detectives never fail… unless the fucking F.B.I gets on the case" Mr Yates shuts the door, Ms Cartman takes Shaun's hand

"Shaun, there's something I've been needing to tell you" Ms Cartman spoke

"Liane, before you say anything, how do you put up with your boy when he's causing trouble?" Shaun questioned, unprepared for the answer

"Well that's what I'm trying to tell you" Ms Cartman said

"Uh-huh" Shaun continued

"Well, you see, the thing is… I'm a whore!" Ms Cartman answered, Shaun was shocked

"A whore?!" Shaun shouted

"Yes! A whore! I know what you're thinking right now!" Ms Cartman yelled, expecting him to dump her

"Well no wonder the first part of having sex with you felt like nothing!" Shaun spoke

"I know! But ever since I met you, I've just stopped doing it!" Ms Cartman tried to assure

"Can you forgive me? Or is that a stupid question?" Ms Cartman asked

"Well yeah, but I need a shower!" Shaun ran upstairs, Ms Cartman was speechless


	21. Chapter 21 Cheststabbing

Morning, the was sun had just shined and it was 7.00 am, Cartman smelt melted trash, he got out of his sleeping bag and struggled to open the dumpster door. Finally making it halfway out, used both hands to haul himself out, only to make the 2nd biggest mistake of his life, the dumpster door slammed on his waist. Cartman pulled himself out quickly in pain

"Aaargh! FUCK FUCK FUCKING COCK, SHIT BITCH ASSHOLE WHORE FUCK!" Cartman was rolling around with both his hands covering his waist. A homeless guy came up to the dumpster and opened it for Clyde

"Wakey, Wakey. Uh oh, looks like somebody tried to get out himself" Clyde popped his head out and saw Cartman

"Eric, are you okay?" Clyde asked

"NO, I'M NOT ALRIGHT!" Cartman responded, he was jumping all over the place

"Hang on, I know how to soothe this" the homeless guy said, He pulled out a plastic bag and stuck it on Cartman's head. Eventually, Cartman stopped flailing and went to sleep.

A few minutes later, Cartman woke up with Clyde right next to him.

"Oh god, what the hell happened?" Cartman said as he woke up

"You tried to escape the dumpster, but got your waist crushed by the door" Clyde explained

"Jesus Christ! Dude I better get going before I…" Cartman looked at the two sleeping homeless people outside the broken car. "Aww, they look so peaceful" Cartman said, a few seconds later, the homeless people had dicks on their faces.

"Hehehehehe, they looked so peaceful" Cartman added

Cartman and Clyde had ordered some lunch; they sat down with one guy.

"So uh, how long you been here?" Cartman asked, trying to start a conversation

"About a few weeks, how about you?" the homeless guy responded

"I just came here; I'm on my way to Colorado" Cartman replied

"Well, you know there is a train about 5 miles from here" the homeless guy said

"Son of a bitch! That's it! Thank you! What's your name?" Cartman asked, pleased

"Mike" the homeless guy answered

"Mike, thank you mike" Cartman shook his hand

Suddenly a bunch of people burst in to the motel, one of them had a Camera

"Oh god!" Mike exclaimed

"What, what is it?" Cartman asked

"The freakin' news is here!" Mike answered

"Oh Kewl! Wait, what's wrong with the news?" Cartman asked curiously

"The news is always stabbin' us in the chest" Mike replied

"What? And you just except it? Dude get out of here!" Cartman exclaimed, Mike pinched his nose

"When I said that, I did not mean it literally!" Mike corrected

"Oh… well what do you mean then?" Cartman asked

"I mean they're always talking shit about us on camera" Mike corrected again

"Oh" Cartman exclaimed

"There are names for people like these. Bums, jobless, deadbeats, scumbags, losers. All to these people, we dislike'em for reasons, they're depressing, they wear ripped clothing, and they smell bad" the reporter said, Cartman took notice of what he said

"Shut the fuck up" Cartman whispered to the reporter

"See? They're horrible!" Mike said

"Well don't you do anything about it?" Cartman asked

"Well we do protest" Mike said

Meanwhile at the Yates residence...

Mr Yates is watching the documentary of Homeless people

"Wait a minute" he said, pausing the TV. He looked at his inaccurate drawing of Cartman and Clyde, he looked at what looked like the drawings, but didn't quite.

"Nope" Mr Yates resumed the TV


End file.
